They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child