@arresteddev

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

You Might Also Like

@thatUPSdude

Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”

@drinksmcgee

“Cover your mouth when you cough or I’ll kill you and your entire family”

– The new motivational poster I’ve hung in my office at work

@dumbbeezie

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

@internetluke

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

@KalvinMacleod

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

@garrettn

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

@AnOrangeSNES

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

@shrimple_

please start taking care of earth. mars is going to be so boring there’s no internet at all

@junejuly12

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket