Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?
“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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“Cover your mouth when you cough or I’ll kill you and your entire family”
– The new motivational poster I’ve hung in my office at work
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you’re on a diet.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
please start taking care of earth. mars is going to be so boring there’s no internet at all
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket