They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”