They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more