They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

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Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.


MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels


My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.


Sorry I asked “why?” when you told me your baby’s name.



~My dog when the doorbell rings


*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.


Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.


I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.