They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
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Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
absolute chaos