They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

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HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you


Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
Joe: No rooms.
Mary: None?
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?


And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*


Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!


There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.


Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.


[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”


Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing


You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.