They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.


Since when did ‘scrotum brown’ become a cool colour to buy a jeep in?


COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that


One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him


ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done


[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah


[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time


I’d pray to God to help me with my overbearing KFC addiction, but seeing as the Colonel is my God, I can see that being counter-intuitive.


Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.