HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
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Joe: $400? For ONE night?
Innkeeper: It’s the honeymoon suite.
Joe: No rooms.
Joe: Bummer, huh. That barn looks cosy?
And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.