@imVig

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!

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@Twtercide

*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@ValeeGrrl

After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?

@MrEd_EVH

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

@Reverend_Scott

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

@TheAndrewNadeau

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

@SpenceDen

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

@Darlainky

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.