*blows birthday candles
Candles: I don’t want anything serious
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
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my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community
After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.