Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there