often like herding cats
Some days, like herding feral cats
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”
It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Apparently “the vibes are off” isn’t a good excuse to leave work early
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful