@Jn1fer

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

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@Jedi_Daddy

Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats

@OkieGirl405

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

@imadepoopstoday

[job interview]

“We feel that you just aren’t quite mature enough for the position.”

It’s the Velcro shoes, isn’t it.

“…yes.”

@AlmightyBored

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

@kiwigarza

Apparently “the vibes are off” isn’t a good excuse to leave work early

@Skoog

[planning robbery]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

@mugkip

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

@NewDadNotes

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@ArfMeasures

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful