Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,


*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*


[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime


Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.


My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”


there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples


Me: My daughters are 15, 13, and 10.

Her: Do you want more kids?

Me: Hahahahahahahaha

Her: Is that a no?

Me: *Deep breathe* Hahahahahaha


I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.


I like the way baseball players pick up each other’s bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.