thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth