Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
You Might Also Like
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
the red hot silly peppers
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.