@itsa_talia

things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy

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@stephenjmolloy

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

@Brianhopecomedy

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

@aparnapkin

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@phalguy

?dishes
?laundry
?vacuuming
?dusting
?me

*Things that won’t get done today.

@brynnester

Me: There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You’re not helping

@Fazio_N

“What aisle has the milk?”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers* “What aisle has the milk?”

@CabetoMejia

From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings

@Whatevah_Amy

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.