Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
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“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day