Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
dads on road-trips be like
Coffee for people with no kids
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Get off my horse you stupid moon
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips