@noneofyours99

Things I hate

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@mrjohndarby

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

@jeffswarens

Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot

Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.

@ComradTwitty

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

@MarkAgee

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

@AristotlesNZ

Congrats on the wedding dude. A present? Na man, everyone brings a present. I brought a past. Remember your ex-fiance Jan? Jan! come say hi.

@Schmoodles

I wish I was an American so that I had the right to bear arms. I’d probably go for panda bear arms because awwwww, so cute.

@cravin4

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

@balloonsmatt

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

@JoyceWhiteVance

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?