@noneofyours99

Things I hate

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@meganamram

I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out

@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

@QwertyJones3

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

@TheToddWilliams

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

@StarWarsProblms

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

@TheTweetOfGod

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

@captainkalvis

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

@TheRolo

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

@SamGrittner

Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!