[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
You Might Also Like
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
You’re the water to my grease fire.