Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity

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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…


According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.


Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.


Dentist: So, Alexa, how often do you floss?

Alexa [nervously]: L-l-low batttterrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy


Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.


when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas


HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out


ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!