Things I haven’t seen in a while:
1) the 2yo I’m babysitting today
2) a man
3) my waist-line
4) my imaginary goat, Bill
5) my sanity

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The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.


[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question


#liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.


Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.


job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them


What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk


It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.


Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.