“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Cndnsd Mlk
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too