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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?