Things I learned from media:

Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out

Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere

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2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.


The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.


A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.


🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??


ME: Ah. Carry on.


Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.


No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema


*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*