2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Things I learned from media:
Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out
Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶
ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
ME: Ah. Carry on.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Him: Send me a shower pic
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*
*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*