“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…