Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Every house has this drawer
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
it be like that
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*