An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide