Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it