[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Planet of the Apps.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…