[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
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My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.