A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
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Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[montage of me giving-up]
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.