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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Sniffing the broccoli
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this