My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
You Might Also Like
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.