Things I’ve heard my kid’s 2nd grade teacher say over Zoom:

“Put your tongue back in your mouth”
“Take your finger out of your nose”
“Put that dog down”
“Take the blanket off your head”
“I have no idea why you have scissors in your hand”

Bless her.

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A year ago today, I started my job as a stay at home alcoholic.


Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.


*holding my crying child*

Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you’ll be good and I won’t have to make that happen again.


“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit


Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.


Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.


PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*


[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Me: Hey! Come back!