There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
You Might Also Like
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”