@KWalps

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

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@actualhuman01

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

@TheRealPalMal

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

@haikuplatypus

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

@ibid78

*slaps the shit out of a fish with a slightly larger, more confused fish*

@TheAndrewNadeau

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

@myonlymizztake

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

@crownjuul

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

@maebemarbles

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?