@dreamthievin
No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
@PaperWash
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
You Might Also Like
@dreamthievin
@KeetPotato
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
@jacquiewalters
“What should we name them?”
Grapes
“And what about these?”
Grapefruits
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all
“Perfect”
@minafisheyes
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
@Home_Halfway
SON: Dad what is that?
ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose
@3sunzzz
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
@BuckyIsotope
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
@squirrel74wkgn
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
@DothTheDoth
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
@curlycomedy
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.