No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
“What should we name them?”
“And what about these?”
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
SON: Dad what is that?
ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.