Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

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No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.


[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex


“What should we name them?”
“And what about these?”
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all


Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.


SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose


Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.


RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust


I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*



As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.


You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.