@PaperWash

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

@DanLaMorte

Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning

@dave_cactus

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

@okimstillhungry

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

@joejwest

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

@littlelady899

But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.

@ScottLinnen

Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire

@Ludacrys414

I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”

@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.