Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”