@thatUPSdude

Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”

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@RodLacroix

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

@tehaveragejoel

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.

Me: what does that mean?

Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.

Me: Iโ€™ll go talk to her.

Wife: thanks.

Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?

@drinksmcgee

[First time ever having sex]

Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?

*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris

Me: I was born ready.

@JustMeTurtle

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

@samdunsiger

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

@JKNenagh

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

@TheCatWhisprer

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.