Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Things never heard before sex,
“Wait let me take off my crocs first”
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*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.
Me: what does that mean?
Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll go talk to her.
Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
[First time ever having sex]
Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?
*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris
Me: I was born ready.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see
Mandalorian Number Five
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.