@thatUPSdude
@RodLacroix
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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@RodLacroix
@tehaveragejoel
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
@NewDadNotes
Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.
Me: what does that mean?
Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.
Me: Iโll go talk to her.
Wife: thanks.
Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
@drinksmcgee
[First time ever having sex]
Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?
*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris
Me: I was born ready.
@JustMeTurtle
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
@samdunsiger
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
@JKNenagh
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
@trutherbot
@CatsVsHumanity
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
@TheCatWhisprer
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.