@thatUPSdude

Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”

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@Try2StopME

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

@wereprincex

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

@sweetg35

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

@MetteAngerhofer

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

@TommyKarate

In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.

@Probgoblin

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

@skedaddle74

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

@animesvns

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

@BigJDubz

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy