@prufrockluvsong

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

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@tamberinetango

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
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I’m not surprised

@sarousti

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@3sunzzz

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

@XplodingUnicorn

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.