@prufrockluvsong

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

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@Not_From_Troy

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

@AdamOfEarth

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

@KateWhineHall

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

@AbbieEvansXO

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

@QwertyJones3

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

@mind_numb

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

@huntigula

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

@krisv_723

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

@OtherDanOBrien

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

@nbadag

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”