Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
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ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂