me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
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Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
(Kid’s Bday Party)
Kid: Who are you?
I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!
K: *puts cake down, runs away crying
*eats his cake
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together