@prufrockluvsong

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

@crushingbort

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child

@Spaziotwat

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@howe007

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@ThaJawn

(Kid’s Bday Party)

Kid: Who are you?

I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!

K: *puts cake down, runs away crying

*eats his cake

@FunkyFresh_79

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together