Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Imagine me riding a bike.
There’s no seat.
If you really love someone never let them out your basement.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking
PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?