Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Cat is stressing him out.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.