Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.