Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭