@joe_binkley

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

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@AverageCorners

I wasn’t kicking you. I was encouraging you to get the hell out of my way.

@sixfootcandy

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

@Billy_Pentz

#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.

@Phook75

No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower

@TheAlexP

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@gregreckons

Grizzlies are emerging from hibernation, so hiking in groups of 3 or more is recommended. Also not being the slowest one of the group.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

@AdamOfEarth

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man