I wasn’t kicking you. I was encouraging you to get the hell out of my way.
Things that are loud:
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent who tries to shower
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Grizzlies are emerging from hibernation, so hiking in groups of 3 or more is recommended. Also not being the slowest one of the group.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man