Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?