Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
#Caturday
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
our love story in four pictures
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”