You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
You Might Also Like
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.
How to break up with someone:
You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.