@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

You Might Also Like

@NicestHippo

[girlfriend yelling]
You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names!
[she knocks over my dead hamster’s shrine]
GILGAMESH!

@ghostkrogh

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

@zbinski

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

@DurtMcHurtt

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

@FannyB1tch

Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.

@RelatableQuote

How to break up with someone:

You: Your ex is attractive.
Partner: Which one?
You: ME.
You: BYEEEE

@smelbz

The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don’t like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.

@Jenny4ashley

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

@david8hughes

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.