Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
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Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Eating a solid brick of Ramen is probably the easiest way to remember I need to pay the water bill.
“OMG I’m so wet right now”
– Me after washing a spoon
woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.
‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD