Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
You Might Also Like
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“and how does that make you feel?”
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.