@KentWGraham

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

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@drankturpentine

I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward

@Tmoney68

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

@UncleDuke1969

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

@McGrumpenstein

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

@markedly

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

@vikkaroni

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

@meganamram

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

@DepressedDarth

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music