Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
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Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Well, this is awkward
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.