Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

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I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward



Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.


When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.


Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!


Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work


My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.


[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?



Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom


I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music