I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward
Things that don’t exist:
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
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Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!
Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music