Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.