Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Pot warmers of the day.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour