@henchbeaver

Things that make me irrationally angry:

• fire ants
• random clicking sounds
• hangnails
• brass or gold accents in home décor
• mayonnaise

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@mojo_bones_

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana

@SteveSackington

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

@Swishergirl24

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

@JB4Realz

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

@Rica_Bee

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

@warmyellowlight

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic