Things that make me irrationally angry:

• fire ants
• random clicking sounds
• hangnails
• brass or gold accents in home décor
• mayonnaise

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My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana


If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?


Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.


Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.


[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.


It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly


In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic