*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Okay
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.