Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
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I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses