@alexblagg

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

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@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

@OneFunnyMummy

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

@drxubair

I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, “I’m so sorry, but I just remembered I don’t want to”

@envydatropic

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@knot_eye

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO