MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.