Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Feel. He’s so soft.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”