Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.