@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

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@TheSharona06

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

@JohnLyonTweets

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

@Rlpihl

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

@T_N_Crumpets

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

@sweet_toof

With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN’T go straight to Wendy’s to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

@TheSharona06

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

@envydatropic

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are