This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho