Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

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*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO


[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.


Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers


I made too much macaroni in a too small pot and I feel like that’s exactly what I look like in the t-shirts that used to fit me.


“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”


if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them


21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.