@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

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@Browtweaten

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

@ObscureGent

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

@dannyboy7813

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

@FuckabillyRex

I made too much macaroni in a too small pot and I feel like that’s exactly what I look like in the t-shirts that used to fit me.

@lecalabara

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

@robwhisman

if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

@rose24_em

21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.